sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
