i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
