Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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