How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
