I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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