I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Congratulations! We have a period
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
