Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
