I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
