i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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