I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
