I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
