god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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