So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
