there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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