my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
