i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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