Your dad touched me again.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
