I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
