Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
