I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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