so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
