6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize