You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
