In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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