I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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