I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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