My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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