the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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