The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
