my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
