I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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