I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
