How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
