WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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