Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
