Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i think my cat just said my name.
Randomize
