I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
