What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
