I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
