If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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