I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
