I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
