Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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