If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
