guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
