and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
