I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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