At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
