i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Quick, to the slutcave!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize