Quick, to the slutcave!
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
