you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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