he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He passed out mid-signature
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
