I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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