Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
PANTIES FOUND
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