If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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