My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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