I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
