Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
