I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
